So I took another turn around the Sun!

The past twenty four hours have been an exercise in Atma Jnana.
Studying Self with the Self.
Trying to come closer to myself.
How can I do that if every celebration of mine I insist on spending with at least ten others?
So this time I decided to ward of all potential visitors, celebrants and ideas to party.
Instead I stayed home and watched.
Myself.
This whole day I have been jealous once.
When I heard of a friend attending a Tango class.
It is odd, since I have done Tango myself eight years ago.
Why this negative feeling?
So I want to Tango and not have anyone else Tango?
Is it Tango that I love or the fact that I AM THE ONLY ONE I KNOW who Tangoes..??
Interesting how the mind functions when we let it loose.
Then I got envious too.
I saw a colleague gift another some surprise package.
How come she does not like me as much I thought getting green.
Soon the said food package was shared with everyone and I felt foolish but I had already spent half an hour mourning the lack of love!
No one at work knew that it was some three and half decades ago that I had sort of winked at the sun.
I decided not to tell them.
or remind them.
Was it a test?
to see who really remembered?
or was I examining my own ego, on how much pampering it required!
One of them did, she sent me a lovely funny email wish. from the next room.
nothing in person.
but hadn't I forgotten hers?
Last year I had remembered hers and she had forgotten mine....
What does it tell me?
Who cares if I was born today or any other day, if I am important to someone I remain so.
Dates are so trivial.
At one time they were meaningful.
No, not because I was younger but because I was too involved in my own importance.
What should I wear, who should I invite, what do I want.
It was a list of wishes and desires.
My Birthday.
It was only about me.
Not anymore.
Who is this I, Who am I? Who am I in relation to YOU?
this concerns me more than before now.
Then I got angry too.
At my mother. for insisting that I speak to her friend when I called her long distance, half sleepy, doing my duty.
She always does this. forces me to do things I dislike.
Why am I so nice to her friends?
Their daughters don't really care about my mother do they...hmmm some do...actually all of them do.
Then I realized how much Aunty loved me too and felt guilty.
She only wanted to wish me.
Shame on me. she did not even talk long. she was conscious of my coldness.
What a terrible birthday girl I make.
Not just that, I made a bad judgement call again.
Judging is bad as it is.
on top of that I was irritated.
with the building management. no one comes to work on my apartment. I am too soft. I ought to be more strict.
Kept telling myself to change. the whole day.
To finally hear the real story.
The poor plumber's father is sick.
I promise I will make up, give him a wine bottle or something.
Other than that I have been cooking, listening to music, singing, watching films and writing.
Exercises I love.
So what was special about it?
It is special because anything one does with love is special.
One does NOT do anything special, one does what one loves. THAT becomes special. I finally got that part. at this age!
I did not announce my birthday but was thankful for those who remembered.
I felt special.
Thankfully, for those who did not remember, I did not get upset or vie to remind them.
I let it pass.
After all it is just another day.
My birthday.
Your love me for me does not increase or decrease if you wished me today or not.
Love is.
I am.
Time passes.